"I think that if I could fall asleep next to you every night, I’d never really be sad again."
Midnight thoughts (I already miss you)
My beautiful sisters! The Epsilon Lambda Chapter of Alpha Delta Pi (University of South Florida) wants YOU to Go Greek <> Making this Alumna PROUD!
"Never apologize for burning too brightly or collapsing into yourself every night. That is how galaxies are made."
Tyler Kent White (via nyu-tah)
Remember all those nights when I would visit you between shifts,
the nights when I would roll over and just start sobbing -
or that one time after the shower when I swore I couldn’t breathe -
‘cause I thought the world was ending because I was an early college grad with student loans and an English degree
without experience or a full time job
and you would tell me it’s okay, it’ll all happen in due time (when I least expect it, now lay back down over here and fall asleep baby)
and you would be there to support me through it all so don’t I worry?
Remember Thursday night
when you told me that when I moved back home after graduation for those six months
(even though I drove that hour over to you twice a week
after my 11pm shifts
to wait for you to complete your social outings or your bullshit job or classes
and cook for you and clean your filthy off-white bathroom
and lay in your bed and kiss your neck and watch Netflix all day all night all weekend upon your return
abandoning all my friends)
that you had emotionally checked out and stopped trying because I wasn’t worth pursuing anymore?
I remember when I woke up to the call -
It was 11 on a Monday morning, two weeks to the day since I left you -
and I hadn’t even brushed my teeth yet but I was finally employed
and it was a job I was going to love every minute of because I would be writing all day
and I couldn’t call you because fuck you for holding the door open for me when I decided you were hurting me and leaving me too empty to stay
and all this relief, though, it was released like sweat after a nightmare
and I was pitter-pattering down the stairs and hugging my mom and wiping my eyes because I finally made it after 6 months of searching
and worrying about settling
Finding someone who actually loves me like I loved you will be like that 11am moment,
except I’ll have brushed my teeth.
It’ll catch me off guard and make me laugh at all the times I got dressed up for a date,
like those meaningless interviews,
with someone who was mediocre.
And I won’t settle. And I’ll laugh at my hopeless ass for thinking the world was ending.
Because you’re not the world. You’re not.
you said goodnight
but you meant goodbye
and i didn’t realize
until I passed out 4 days
later after waiting up for
you to come home
and having the wind
knocked out of my chest
when I figured out two things:
1. I would never get to touch
your mouth again
2. You were going to be
what kills me
1. I haven’t slept in a few days. My mother thinks I’ve been drinking too much coffee but I think maybe it’s just that I really really miss rolling over in bed and finding myself pressed up against you.
2. Places that stay open 24 hours are comforting because I know that when I wake up screaming at 3 in the morning I’ll have somewhere to go when staying in bed doesn’t feel okay anymore but you always passed out by 11 and you slept through the night.
3. My sixth grade science teacher taught me that your body automatically knows to pull away when you touch something that hurts you, you’ve made me cry at least 6 times this week and I’ve lost count of the times I’ve found myself shaking and dripping blood because you forgot to tell me you love me and god it hurts so fucking much but I can’t pull away.
4. One time when I was younger my parents took me to the beach and I swam out a little too far and let the ocean choke on me and my dad screamed and yanked me out of the water. I think I’m drowning again but there is no one here to pull me out. I just need someone to fucking pull me out.
5. I’m not sure why I keep telling everyone I’m okay. I’m not okay. And sometimes when someone asks how I am I want to tell them that my heart is broken, and that’s okay you know, I can deal with a broken heart, but the pieces have been shifting and I’ve got these really sharp edges in my veins and my lungs and my stomach and I think I’m being torn apart, I’m not really sure. I can’t really breathe and I’m a little bit dizzy.
6. I think I should stop writing you letters. It’s not fair to kill trees just because you’re killing me.
7. I fell for you. Like really fell for you. Like I saw you smile and I swear to god I crashed down to earth and broke all my bones. How come when astroids fall to earth they leave craters in the ground and kill out the dinosaurs but when I do it I just end up in bed for days watching The Notebook and crying till I’m numb.
8. I thought getting high would get you off my mind but I spent a few hours standing in the middle of the street wishing you would kiss me. or that a car would hit me."
It’s been 207 days since you left and I’m still a fucking mess (via extrasad)
Anonymous said: update on your job! tell us all about it and your new place?
My new job is great! Every day, I tackle a new writing project. I can’t believe I’ve gone this long without working in a creative environment.
And I’m happy to be living with 3 sorority sisters this year. We are all in different stages in our lives, yet we’re able to keep each other motivated - plus our place is just ADORABLE. We are still getting settled but I will post pictures soon!
"But with her, I didn’t glance around to see who was staring before I kissed her and held her in my arms. I simply did it. Because it didn’t matter who was looking, for the first time in my life I didn’t care. And that’s how I know she is different."
oh my (via budddha)